What's All the Fuss?

I smoked my first bowl the other day. No big deal.

It's weird how it happened. I was talking to one of my customers and he mentioned going on a trip. I said, "Oh, I've been there. I have some travel books. Let's go get a drink and talk about it." Yeah, if you come to the bank and I legitimately like you as a person, then I'll totally have a drink with you. Nothing new. I work near a lot of bars that I frequent. I'm bound to run into some customers. They know I'm a whiskey and beer fan.

Anyway, we go get a drink. He buys me a beer, I give him a map. I like negotiations like this.

One of his friends asks us if we want to go back to his place to smoke a bowl. We were just talking about cigars and hookahs. So stupidly, I think just a good ol' bowl of shisha in the hookah. That's how I roll. Well, I guess I don't really roll. I pack. Haha. So we go in and I realize my mistake. Then I quickly weigh the pros and cons. Shoulders get shrugged and a quiet "meh" is said to myself. I'm in. Pass me a lighter. I look around and realize that there's no music playing. This experience is slowly mellowing. But wait! The Beatles' White Album on vinyl? Hell yeah, folks. We're now in business.

So I tried it. A bit anticlimactic. But I'll try it again. I always say that everything is worth trying at least twice.

You Can't "Fall Out" of Friendship

Friends are a way of life. They’re just there, and we need them to be. But what actually makes a good friend? What makes someone the ‘best’ friend out of your group of friends? Is it the way you feel about them? Is it the way they feel about you? Is it how well they know you? Or vice versa?

A good friend has to be someone who is willing to listen to your problems and give good advice. A good friend is someone who will be there when you need them most. A good friend is the person you’ll trust to see you when you’re most vulnerable. A good friend is someone who will do you a favor, without expecting anything in return, right?

Well, if that’s true, then you yourself have to be all those things, right? Because you can’t just expect all of those characteristics from someone without being able to be a good friend to them as well. That can’t be healthy for a friendship.

So a person can be a good friend, a great pal, without being in a good friendship. But you can’t come to that realization without making yourself out to be the bad guy. So you either shape up and be a good friend right back, or you live in blissful ignorance and just…take. Essentially, you become a user. You maintain the friendship because you need that person to be there, but you keep yourself at a distance, not fully committing to the relationship. And let’s face it, a friendship is just as important of a relationship as is one with your significant other.

So what can you do if you’re already a good friend? Now that you realize that a friendship you have seems to drain you without becoming a source of replenishment, how can you fix it? Should you try? Would it be selfish to want the feelings of comfort that you’ve been giving out to others? Not at all. But fixing that problem is still a mystery.

Humans are very sensitive creatures. We all need to hear that we’re right sometimes, and we all need to know that someone else cares. Regardless of the level of one’s self-confidence, it only makes it better to hear your strengths from someone who cares about you. That’s why we need friends. We need people to care about. And we can’t just dish out all these feelings without getting anything in return. We need people to care about us. We need to feel like we’re good people. Is that what a friend really is? Someone who makes you feel good about yourself? No, that can’t be it. Let’s try again.

We need people around us to make us feel sane. We need friends to prove to the gods that we are doing something right. We need friends to give advice to, because, in a sense, giving advice to someone else is always easier than helping ourselves. When someone needs us, we find our strengths. It seems that friendships make us better than what we were. Friendships help us discover what we are and who we can be.

So a friend is someone who makes you look at yourself and see the problems, because no one is perfect. But a good friend is one who will stick by you in spite of those flaws and they’ll strive to help you become a better person. And they’ll continue to be there, helping and guiding, hoping you will do the same for them.

What I’m trying to say is: Listen to others, but never hesitate to ask for an audience. Be yourself, but understand that others sometimes need you to be more or less. Show loyalties, but don’t always take a side just because. Talk about your problems, but don’t make problems just to have something to talk about. Be there for those you care about if you’re able, but don’t expect everyone to be as able as you are. And try to be there for those you barely know, because you never know if they’ll become someone you care about. That’s what a friendship should be about.

Whew. Well, I'm calling it a night. Sweet dreams or g'day, wherever you are.

Current track: Meaghan Smith - "If You Asked Me"

"Are you open today?"

That, by far, is my favorite question to get at work. I love it when people call into the bank and ask that. I keep a notepad by the phone and now it's covered with the answers I want to say instead of the "Oh, sure we're open. Our hours today are..." in my fake happy voice. Some of those other answers include:

• Naw, we're not open today. We're having a Scrabble tournament. (one of the more milder ones)

• Nope. Not open. Just needed a place to store the body. Do you think our safe deposit vault is big enough?

• No, we aren't open. We're building a snow fort outside the front doors. Good luck getting in tomorrow!

Yeah, my manager gets a kick outta the list, but I know the corporate auditors won't get it. But the bank is all about appearances. I don't think I've had a rant about work yet. So here goes...

I start out the day punching in the multiple codes for various areas of the bank. (Yeah, I'm a big deal. They give me codes). Then I turn on the CD player or plug in my IPod (surprised?). I need, need, NEED music to start the day. Usually it's something fast and dancy, but lately I've had Foo Fighters' The Color and the Shape on. Good stuff. Once the music deal is settled, I go through my opening motions. Boring stuff, don't worry about it.

We officially open at 9:00. However, everyday there is one person who gets there at 8:40 and glares at us through the glass because we won't open early. Lovely. We make them wait 'til 8:50 before we open. Policy is policy, and we don't want to do more work than is necessary. Then that person comes huffing and puffing into the bank and they'll angrily hand me they're deposit ticket. All the while, not saying a word to my falsely bright greeting because it's somehow my fault that they can't read the sign with our business hours. Everybody thinks they deserve special treatment.

After that first customer, things pretty much get better. Our ATM guy, whom I think is fairly attractive, gets my first sincere happy greeting. We talk, we joke, and we banter. Funfunfun. Then comes the great part. People stream in around 9:30, in a rush to get to work, and I now have a line of customers. At that time, I would trade my first born child for some coffee and maybe a chocolate croissant. Then a miracle occurs (I think of this as a miracle every time it happens). My co-worker can read minds. I get this post-it thrown at me -

I love my co-workers.

Ahh, coffee. The elixir of life. How I love thee. With a good cup of coffee, anything is possible. I think it makes me an actual people person. I can then go on to sincerely care about what people want to tell me about their day so far. I’m like a bartender, but I don’t get tips. I hear about people and their depression medication, divorces, affairs, the usual “do you think it’s going to snow today?”(we live in Wisconsin; it’s winter for about 6 months), and everything in between.

If you’re wondering, I’m not a morning person.

Cheers

-Tam

Current track: “Here We Are” – Green River Ordinance, new fave

On Emotion

Is it healthy to be happy in the presence of others, then sad when only surrounded by your own self? Is it beneficial to allow only the acceptable emotions, happiness and enjoyment, show when in public? I know that this isn’t the way to go. It isn’t right to allow myself to feel the lowest of lows while in the shower, because that is the only time I am truly alone. It isn’t alright to smile only when I know someone can see me. Just as it isn’t okay to cry only in the dark. I think it would only be fair to the world to give it an equal view of all of your emotions. If you’re angry, be angry, but be also aware of the correct target. If you’re sad, be sad, but don’t try to bring others down with you. And if you’re happy, then, by God, be happy, but allow others their share of emotions as well. Disengaging someone’s anger is fine, just so long as you’re willing to shoot down their smile, right? Well, maybe.
Why is it alright to feel joy, but unacceptable to feel sorrow or rage? How come it’s okay to smile, but not to cry or sneer? They’re all healthy emotions. So how come every cry has to be comforted and every smile must be nurtured? To be honest, I like being angry. It feels great to expel that amount of energy so I can start again. If I can go through that wonderful spectrum of emotions in one day, then sleeping at night comes very peacefully. And a new day can begin with ease.
They called sadness depression. However, I’m happy just as much as I am sad, so I call it balance. So it can’t be depression so much as it is just even. I enjoy the rain as much as I enjoy the sun and I embrace the day just as much as I long for the night. I don’t see why that is so hard to understand for those who claim that they are experts in human emotion.
So yes, all emotions are healthy. I can dance with joy while alone or in a crowded elevator. I can cry in a full room or use the shower spray to clean my tears. And I can rage at an active target or on paper where no one can see. All in all, nobody can tell me that feeling something is unhealthy, not when I feel it’s right. We shouldn’t need to justify our emotions to anyone.

It's Always Winter In Canada

My life is well situated four hours from my family. I'm one of the lucky ones. Really, I do love my family. I try to get home for the holidays just to see everyone. Well, almost everyone. You know what I mean. There’s family and then there’s those people you reluctantly call family. I like to go home to see the first group. The second group is the reason I stay away for the rest of the year. I need my space. And my sanity.
Anyhow, Thanksgiving just passed. I now have a refrigerator filled with turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, and whatever was left of our alcohol supply. When we grocery shop for Turkey day, we buy food and alcohol at an almost 1:1 ratio. It’s kind of ridiculous. We’re not alcoholics, mind you, but we know how to have a good time. And we know how to party together. We keep mental lists of who can drink what, and how much of it, before they’re going to need a bed to crash on. Or a designated driver to rant on. We’re a big family, so we can provide both. Those are the holidays for ya.
Along with the food and parties, we plan for a lot of shopping. I, for one, have to plan where to go, who to go with, and how much I can spend. I need to know where to go so I don’t waste gas on some convoluted route. How much I can spend is always a big one. I work at a bank, so I scoff at people that can’t balance a checkbook. As to who to shop with, that’s a big decision. I don’t window shop during the holidays. That kind of meandering is reserved for days off when I can take my time and listen to my ipod (By the way, current track is “Oxycodone” by Glassjaw). Holiday shopping is a well thought-out mission. I can’t go with people that get sidetracked by pretty things in the window display. If I dare set foot in a mall during Black Friday, I have a set list of stores to go to. There’s no dilly-dallying. There are maniacs out at the malls at all times, but especially during the most wonderful season of all. You gotta avoid ‘em. Or step softly and carry a big stick. Whatever works. That’s why you have to enlist loyal and obedient troops. I can be in and out of the mall in under an hour and have most of my shopping done. You have to keep up, man. Or you drive yourself home. Well, I’d come back for you eventually, I’m sure. Haha.
Another big thing about the holidays is just getting home. I have to plan what to bring, which bag am I taking, is the cat coming with me? Can I get that time off work? How am I getting there? Who’s house am I staying at? That’s always a big question. My cousins and I are really close. I consider them to be closer than my siblings sometimes. So do I do the right thing and see my parents first thing when I get home, or do I just go where I want to spend the night? I usually end up at my cousin’s place. There’s always tomorrow to see Mom and Dad. And Grandma and Grandpa. And my brother and sister. Yeah, that’s the usual order.
How to get there is always a fun game. I can spend $70 on a bus ticket. Then I know that I’ll get there anywhere from 5 to 8 hours from my departure time, if the bus doesn’t break down. I usually meet fun people, but sometimes I meet them when I just want to sleep. Or I can wrangle myself a ride from someone who’s leaving when I am. That way, I just spend around $30 to pitch in for gas. That’s the best choice. Especially if they come with good conversation and good music. That’s what worked out for me during this trip. I found a friend who went to high school near me and had an extra spot in his car. Score. So there I was, 3pm Wednesday, in a car with 3 guys heading for Minneapolis. Any girl’s dream. Hah. Not that they weren’t good guys, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Any guy that you share an OTPHJ joke with isn’t on the dating list right away. By the way, if you don’t know what an OTPHJ is, think dirty and think Wedding Crashers dinner scene with Vince Vaughn’s character. You’ll get it. Those boys soon found out how difficult it is to actually offend me. I usually find the punchline to dirty jokes before most of my guy friends. It’s become a contest now to set up good “That’s what she said” lines. It’s not that hard and it’s a bit shaky. Haha.
*New track: “Jeepster” by T. Rex
Our four-hour long conversation didn’t just include dirty jokes. We talked music, of course, and we talked ice cream. If your inner child had its way at a Coldstone or a Dairy Queen, what would your toppings be? Mine include, but are not limited to, brownies, Reese’s Pieces, Snickers pieces, and strawberry syrup. Sounds delicious, right? Yum. We also spoke of, being a car full of engineering students, creating an all-terrain vehicle to travel from one end of North America to the other. Going from Florida, through the Everglades, to Canada, where apparently it’s always winter. It was a very detailed conversation. And a very nerdy one. We decided necessary tire sizes, what type of engine, and even what type of fuel to use. I don’t care if I am a geek, that is going to be one kick-ass car. We’re going to be rich, baby.
Whoo, that‘s a long one (hah. That’s what she said). I think I’ll leave you now. G’night. Or good morning, afternoon, etc. Wherever you are. (Ending track: “Grace Kelly” by Mika) I’m out.

Joey

My cat just winked at me. She knows what's up.

Anyway, a friend facebooked (yes, this is now a verb) me this questionnaire. Apparently you just shuffle the entirety of your ipod library and write down the song that comes up for each question. No skipping songs. Here we go...

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Mama’s Got a Girlfriend Now – Ben Harper

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Tight Wad Hill – Green Day

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everything to Me – Jackie Greene

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It) – The Rolling Stones

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Beat of Your Drum – David Bowie

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Rollover DJ - JET

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
10,000 Days – Tool

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Moonchild - Chris Cornell

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Geek in the Pink – Jason Mraz

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Hear My Train a Comin’ – Jimi Hendrix

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Black – Pearl Jam

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Way - Fastball

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Childlike Wildlike – Jason Mraz

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Amazing – Josh Kelley

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Friends Will be Friends – Queen

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Devil in The Wishing Well – Five for Fighting

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Break Ya Neck – Busta Rhymes

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Subterranean Homesick Alien – Radiohead

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Guerrilla Radio – Rage Against the Machine

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
No Reply – The Beatles

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
A Shot in the Arm – Wilco

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Show Off That Body You Got – Petey Pablo

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
3x5 – John Mayer

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Stare At the Sun – Thrice

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
You Had Me – Joss Stone

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
All You Need – Sublime

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
What You Are – Dave Matthews Band

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Wild Night – Van Morrison

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Joey – Bob Dylan


Nice. I approve of my ipod's choices for me.

Giving In With No Pressure At All

Finally started my own blog. I'm always late to try things. But I'm on time for life. That counts. Point for me. Anyway, this blogging deal is new to me and I'm going to give it a shot.

What am I supposed to write here? Is there a manual somewhere? "A Guide to Telling People Stuff" by Tami D. Yup, I'd buy it. Do I write about me? Here goes...
> Ohmigod, I'm, like, totally psyched to be here. I'm, like, a college kid in Wisconsin and I like math and, like, numbers and physics and stuff.

Yeah, that'll work. Except I don't speak like an idiot. Let's try again.

> Hey kids. I go to school for engineering and physics and I work to get money to stay in school. In my free time...oh wait, I don't have much of that. Haha. Just kidding. I cut back on sleep to make sure that I have time to kick back and relax with friends. Or by the lake. With a book. With my ipod. Always with my ipod. I need music like people need air to breathe. Current track: I Am Kloot - "Twist". Nonono wait, The Kooks - "Always Where I Need to Be". I write too slowly for just one track.

That was better. Except I'm not that much of a talker when it comes to myself. What else can I write about? How about what I'm doing right now? Naw, I'll leave that to your imaginations. Maybe I'm surfing, maybe I'm bar-hopping. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a secret agent working on a super top-secret project involving new missile controls aboard the F-35. Yeah, I like that one.

Hah. Gotcha. Or did I? Anyway, I'm noticibly an odd person. My maturity fluctuates between that of a four-year old and that of an old crone. You just never know!

I do write a lot though. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm sad. I usually box when I'm angry. It's a bit more satisfying than hitting the keys on a keyboard. But I figure that an excuse to write whatever I want is great. So here I am. Writing to you.

Side note: If I write a combination of words that doesn't quite fit in with the story, more than likely it's a song lyric. It may be one of my own or I may have borrowed it. I tend to have lyrical outbreaks. It's a disease, but I like it.

If you're in Wisconsin, or perchance I'm in your town, and you see a girl (who, on a good day, could be considered of an average height) semi-dancing while walking, there's a good chance that it's me. I've always got a song in my head, and it moves me. It makes me happy and keeps me as sane as I want to be. Try it. If you're happy while in public and you show it, you make others happy too. It's an awesome feeling. I'll leave you with that for now. By that way, the track has switched to Jason Mraz - "Butterfly".